Dan vs Aperture Laboratories, a Dan vsPortal Crossover
by artistwithouttalent
Summary: Dan seeks vengeance on the applied science company after they cheat him out of a portal device.
1. Thinking with Vengeance

Dan vs. Aperture Laboratories, a Dan vs/Portal Crossover

By artistwithouttalent

_Note: The following is a work of amateur/fan fiction. This work is not done for profit. I hold no rights to any property referenced within. Dan vs. is owned by the Hub and Starz Media. Portal is owned by Valve Software._

Chapter 1: Thinking with Vengeance

"Ahh, now for some well-deserved me-time. Come on, Mr. Mumbles," Dan said, calling his kitty over to join him on the couch. He sat down, flipped on the television, and was greeted by a bumper saying _The Adventures of Population Control Johnny_ would return in a moment.

"Augh! Stupid commercials," Dan exclaimed. "Why must they interrupt quality programming with ads for stuff I'll never buy?"

With that, the television cut to an ad featuring a businessman narrating footage of humanoid robots that grabbed Dan's attention.

"Greetings, friends! Cave Johnson here, founder and CEO of Aperture Laboratories. Are you tired of having to manually walk long distances? Does traffic drive you nuts? Is the prospect of lunar travel enticing to you?"

"All of those apply to me," Dan realized. "Tell me more, scientific wizard!"

"Not anymore! These and other minor annoyances are now things of the past, thanks to the Aperture Laboratories Handheld Portal Device! Simply aim it at a portal conducting surface, and, BAM! Blue portal! Orange portal! Instant gateway. We've tested this on the most qualified astronauts, war heroes, and Olympians we could find, along with a bunch of homeless guys, and the ones that returned in one piece said it was amazing!"

"That IS amazing!" Dan cried. "Tell me, Mr. Johnson, how can I procure one of these devices?"

"Now, the device is still being tested, a few bugs still left to work out, but if you give us a generous non-tax-deductible donation of $1,000, we'll be sure to put you on the list so that when we do release this thing, you or your heirs can be the first in line to buy one. Cave Johnson, we're done here."

"Indeed we are, Mr. Johnson; I've heard enough," Dan declared, and with that he raced over to his phone and picked up the receiver. "Hello, operator, connect me to Aperture Laboratories."

**Four to Six weeks later**

Dan was pacing by his door, waiting for the mail delivery. He had performed this ritual every day since he made his non-tax-deductible donation. This day was different, however. The postal worker, who had been assaulted by Dan the first few times she passed his house as he looked for his package, was hesitant to knock on his door and oblige him. She didn't need to; Dan burst open the door to ask her what she was doing prowling around his house. The mail carrier dropped the box and ran off screaming.

"My Portal gun!" Dan exclaimed. "If it's damaged you're going on the list!"

Dan carried the suspiciously small and lightweight package to his sitting area, double-checking the label to ensure that this was indeed his portal gun, and sure enough the return address was that of Aperture Laboratories. Dan tore the box open and dug furiously through the foam pellets within, finding only a letter on Aperture Laboratories stationary:

Dear Mr. Mandel:

As founder and CEO of Aperture Laboratories, I appreciate your monetary support, and hope we can count on further donations from you in the future. You have my word that as soon as the Portal gun is finished, you will be the first to know, so that you or your successors can purchase one before anyone else. As a further bonus, if you donate $10,000 or more, we'll give you a discount on the purchase of the Portal device for you or someone who you assign. Again, I thank you for your support

Cave Johnson

CEO and Founder, Aperture Laboratories

P.S. Like the box? Bean-counters said it was "inefficient" and "ridiculous," but we'll see how ridiculous they find the unemployment line, won't we?

At this, Dan cast his hands into the air, turned skyward, and shouted the name of his bane:

"APERTURE LABORATORIES!"


	2. Elise?

Chapter 2: Elise?

Chris sat on his sofa watching TV.

"Ahh, just what I need," he said to no one in particular, before he was interrupted by a loud banging on his front door. He sighed and went to answer it. As he opened the door, he was wholly unsurprised to see his short, irritable friend standing on his stoop, elbows around his ears, fists clenched, face swirling with rage. "Oh, hey Dan."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER MY CALLS?!" Dan shouted.

"Nice to see you, too," Chris replied nonchalantly. "I made this whole big deal about disconnecting for the day, so my office won't call me. Didn't you see my FaceBook status?"

"You know I don't use the internet anymore," Dan replied.

"I sent you like 3 or 4 texts to that effect," Chris answered, confused.

"Whatever," Dan replied, "At any rate, I didn't approve it."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know I had to vet my personal decisions through you now!" Chris exclaimed, exasperated.

"While, I don't appreciate your sarcastic tone, I accept your apology," Dan said, clearly aloof to the fact the Chris was being entirely sarcastic. "I have bigger fish to fry." Chris rolled his eyes.

"OK, Dan, who is it this time?" Chris asked, resigned to his inevitable conspiratorial status.

"I am going to take what is rightfully mine from the thief Cave Johnson and his company," Dan said, which gave Chris pause.

"Wait, Cave Johnson, as in, Aperture Laboratories Cave Johnson?" Chris asked, doubting

"You _know_ this charlatan?" Dan said.

"Not, personally, but I know _of_ him," Chris replied. "He's that crazy guy on TV trying to convince people to invest money in his company to advance research on that weird gun of his."

"The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device," Dan corrected. "He promised me that if I gave him a thousand dollars he would give me one."

"Actually, Dan, the ads explicitly state that your investment will reserve you a spot in line to buy one, like Packers tickets," Chris revised.

"You KNEW about this?" Dan said again.

"Yeah, I've seen the commercials," Chris admitted. "Anyway, where did you get a thousand dollars to invest in this scheme?"

"Didn't your parents tell you not to ask about money?" Dan admonished. "If you must know it came from a trust fund my granny left me, _the jerk_," Dan added, the last words dripping with disdain. "'Oh, I'll leave you a bunch of money, but you can't access it for 20 years,'" Dan mimicked in his most obnoxious voice. "The penalties would have been worth it for a Portal Gun."

"WAIT," Chris said, nonplussed. "You had a trust fund this whole TIME?"

"Again with the asking about money," Dan said.

"How much is this trust fund worth, pray tell?" Chris inquired.

"God, so nosey," Dan muttered. "I'm not entirely sure. When I withdrew the money, the value was hovering right around $100,000."

Chris was thunderstruck.

"You're... telling me...," Chris began, rage slowly building, "that you've had $100,000 hidden in a trust fund, And I've, HAD TO PAY, FOR YOUR REVENGE SCHEMES!?"

"Augh, you don't have to yell," Dan replied, "and given that the interest is continually compounding, even at today's anemic rates it's probably more than that by now."

"WE, are going to have a VERY serious discussion, about money, when this is over with," Chris panted, his speech punctuated with pauses.

"Again with this money thing?" Dan asked. "It's not polite to discuss money; I've told you this."

At that moment Elise walked in.

"Oh, hey, Dan," she said, then turning to Chris. "What's wrong, hon?"

As Chris was about to unleash a torrent of monetarily-linked rage, Dan jumped in.

"I have been cheated by Aperture Laboratories, and I am enlisting Chris's help in seeking my revenge," he replied. Chris took exception to this.

"Oh, you can fu - " Chris began before he was cut off by Elise.

"Aperture Laboratories?" Elise asked. "As in, Cave Johnson, CEO and Founder of? Aperture Laboratories, renowned applied science company?"

"_You've_ heard of them, too?" Dan asked, flabbergasted. "Why didn't anyone tell me when somebody made a breakthrough that would make doors, windows, and cars obsolete?" Chris had somewhat regained his composure by this point.

"Dan, they've been playing those ads for six months now," he replied, exasperated. "And the media has been talking about it for two and a half years."

"Oh, _now_ you tell me," Dan replied.

Elise stepped closer to Dan.

"Sooo, Dan," Elise said casually, "what exactly are you planning to do to Aperture Laboratories?"

"I am going to break into their headquarters and take what is rightfully mine," Dan said.

"Excellent!" Elise exclaimed, completely failing to hide her enthusiasm, before reversing herself. "Oh, I mean... good. Say, would you like some help with that?"

"No one can stop me!" Dan exclaimed. "Not you, not Chris, not... _huh?_"

"Yeah. My... office, has been trying to nail them for _years_," Elise explained. "We suspect them of tax fraud, as well as possible human rights violations."

"The FIENDS!" Dan cried. "How can society hope to function if each man does not pay his fair share?"

Chris glared at Dan.

"What?" Dan replied.

"At any rate," Elise said, taking back the conversation, "we have tried to get a man on the inside at Aperture several times, but all of our field agents have disappeared."

"Y'know, hon, I never asked, where _do_ you work?" Chris asked.

"Uhhhh... Department of Justice?" Elise answered, hoping this answer would placate her husband.

"Well, as much as I would appreciate the help," Dan began, shifting the topic of conversation away from Elise's job (she hoped her relief didn't show), "I have no desire to work with the federal government in any capacity. There's too much... unpleasantness."

"Oh, don't worry," Elise said, "this would be completely off the record."

"Well, in that case," said Dan, "the more, the merrier!"


	3. The Shadow and the Eagle

Chapter 3:

Elise walked into the bedroom while Dan followed her with hesitation in his step.

"So, uh," Dan said, trepidation in his voice, "what- what are you doing there, Elise?"

"Getting into contact with HQ," she replied, and with that she opened her closet and pulled out a jewelry box that had been sitting on the floor. Opening it up, a small LCD screen and retina scanner greeted her.

"Identity confirmed," the jewelry box said after scanning her retina.

"Eagle's Nest, this is Dancing Shadow," Elise said, thoroughly confusing Dan.

"Dancing Shadow, this is Eagle's Nest," the jewelry box replied.

"Sir, with your permission, I would like to attempt infiltration of the Shed," Elise told the curious device.

"Negative, Shadow," it responded. "You've disappointed me once, and I've already lost three of my best men to the Shed.

"I'm sorry," Dan said after watching the conversation in utter bemusement, "what are you?"

"Shadow, who is that?" box asked.

Elise leaned in closely and whispered, "Do you remember that 'potential-class-5-threat' I mentioned in an audiomemo a while back?"

"You know it's not polite to whisper public conversations," Dan interjected. "It makes me think you're talking about me behind my back." Elise ignored him.

"Vaguely," the speaker said. "The short man who gallivants around with your husband?"

"You guys _aren't_ talking about me, are you?" Dan asked.

"Shadow, step back," the jewelry box ordered, and with that, a telescoping light extended out of the device aimed at Dan and shot a blinding flash in his eyes, disorienting him.

"Shadow, why is that man observing our conversation?" the jewelry box shouted at Elise. Dan, who was fumbling about in the background, didn't notice. "You said yourself he is a potential Class-5 threat."

"Sir, that's the point: I wish to enlist his services in taking them out," Elise replied. "He has declared vengeance upon them, and I thought we could take advantage of the situation."

"Absurd, Shadow!" the voice replied. "Bringing in an outsider and potential threat to our seurity?"

"Sir, I view it as a no-lose situation," Elise replied. "We provide him with outside support, thereby risking no men of our own; if the op goes sideways we wash our hands of him." The voice was quiet for a moment.

"Do you really think he's up to such a challenge?" it replied."The Shed is a daunting assignment even for an experienced agent; I don't want to waste agency time on some pipe dream." By this point Dan had regained his senses.

"Who are you washing your hands of?" Dan asked groggily. Another flash of light was his reply.

"I have seen him perform some incredible maneuvers before, sir," Elise replied. "He's up to the task." The box was quiet again before it finally answered.

"The agency will not sanction this," it said, "but I can't control what you do on your own time. Good luck, Dancing Shadow."

"Thank you, sir," Elise replied before closing the box and sliding it back into her closet. Dan had once again come to his senses.

"What was that?" he inquired as he clutched his head.

"That's not important," Elise replied. "What _is_ important is that I can help you."

"Great," he moaned, his head throbbing. "But could we perhaps try it later?"


End file.
